the undying desire to be fashionable. Whether you care about what’s
“trendy” or not, you’re bound to be familiar with these tired signatures
of the supposedly stylish, captured on the sidewalk and plastered on
fashion blogs. With New York Fashion Week a month away, here’s to hoping
a number of hallmarks get retired once and for all.
under-confident) ilk who lurk on the Lincoln Center plaza vying for
someone with a big-ass camera lens to approach them for a photograph, in
hopes they’ll end up in a slideshow somewhere online. A “take my
picture!” mentality, especially in the age of instantly gratifying
social media, means the originals and eccentrics get copied. It’s only
natural for aspiring subjects to emulate the people who are lauded for
the look of an in-the-know editor or successful blogger—that’s how
computable “street style” has become. With that, here’s a roundup of the
most irksome, overdone street style signatures, mega-trends and
1. The Gigantic Portfolio as Clutch
editors, who refuse to admit a bag with straps is more convenient than
an oversized leather (or fuzzy, furry) filing folder.
2. The Artfully Shoulder-Draped Jacket
their jacket over in a fit of rushed anxiety to get to the next show.
It’s cool to look busy, so that’s fine. You know what’s not cool?
Carefully placing your jacket over your shoulders and pretending it’s a
well-versed fashion bloggers. If you are actually too lazy to put your
jacket on, even though you have one on you and you’re stuck with it,
this doesn’t apply to you.
3. The Fugly Shoe
challenge, who think they’re so adorable they can pull off a truly ugly
shoe and make it look cute.
endearing than they actually are are annoying. Plus, ugly things you’re
forced to look at count as visual pollution. Feet are homely enough;
shouldn’t we try to make them look better, not worse?
toddler ate half a carton of Crayolas and then barfed on your feet. From
femme-fatale pumps to kick-your-face-in combat boots, there is an
endless supply of at least semi-attractive footwear out there to keep
you occupied for at least a lifetime.
4. The Insanely Large Belt
engulf half of your torso? What would be the fun in that? Consider the massive belt the 21
st century’s chunky, hardware-heavy, masochistic answer to the girdle.
they pose some semblance of usefulness in your ensemble. Obviously, most
aren’t actually holding people’s trousers up these days. Just remember
this: if people are looking at your belt and wondering who the woman
behind the belt is, you’re in trouble.
5. Bare Legs in the Dead of Winter
Survivor: Fashion Edition were a show, the bold ladies who go tights-free in January would stand a solid chance of making it to the finals.
impervious to freezing temperatures; the stubbornest of the stubborn;
teenage girls on New Year’s Eve
you’re cold! And you look stupid.
pants…something that covers your legs would work well! Wolford makes
some nice pairs of stockings, as does Fogal.
6. Gratuitous Headgear
to knobby, nubby turbans to fur hats of the most unflattering shapes.
sartorial element should be regarded as a cry for help. Unless it’s a
proud signal of wavering sanity, and in that case, I support it.
7. The Birkenstock Sandal
not to be confused with the Fugly Shoe, are not terribly unattractive
when you get down to do it. But the fact that they’re considered a trend
is enough to make them annoying.
best friend, who’s probably saying to herself, “Why the fuck did I agree
to wear these chunky, toe-molded sandals I called ‘granola’ in high
school but now I’m pairing with a flirty, floral dress? Oh, that’s
right, they’re crazy-comfortable.” Also, women who yearn to wear comfortable shoes but only as long as said shoes are socially accepted by the fashion flock.
trend or statement. They should be perfectly acceptable for casual days.
They shouldn’t be a “thing.”
8. The Fuzzy Bag Buddy
back in the fall. At first glance, they were worth a smile or at least a
smirk. After you see ten, the preposterousness of accessorizing your
accessory sinks in.
Tamagotchis or Beanie Babies—cute until you realize they’re just
annoying, inanimate replacements for pets created to grab attention.
9. The Festival Effect
suede fringe and Forever 21 wares, the Coachella Valley Music and Arts
Festival has created a monster. Actually, thousands of belly-baring, peace sign-making monsters.
to look like they’re “with the band,” those who feel they should have
been teenagers in 1969, precocious 12-year-olds
forest stream and drying your sparkly, dew-glistening body off with
daisy petals and live squirrel tails all day, you have little right to
don a wreath of flowers. (I’ve worn one myself on a few occasions, when I
had fruitless visions of frolicking down the greasy sidewalk, and I’m
not proud. Let’s move on.)
10. The “Look at Me, Please Look at Me!” Dress
what costumes will the poor girl wear to all tomorrow’s parties?” Save
it! Wearing a gorgeous, ridiculous evening gown to a fashion show in the
middle of the day is like announcing to the world you can’t wait to eat
a single leaf of butter leaf lettuce and go to bed at 8pm,
just to wake up fresh in the morning and put on a new evening gown.
Some things are better left for after-dark, like public drunkenness. The
daytime evening gown is the equivalent of that.
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