10 of the stupidest toys of all time
Posted by Jeff Wysaski comments 7
A good toy provides hours upon hours of endless entertainment. However, as we all know from our childhoods, sometimes these expectations don’t live up to reality. As a case in point, below are ten of the stupidest toys of all time.
Yes, the insane stupidity of the old-school cup and ball was brilliantly parodied in an episode of Family Guy: Toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again. When I think about how this was likely the highest form of entertainment for kids growing up in the 1800s, it makes me extremely relieved that I was born in the age of video games.
The Pet Rock is a toy fad that no one will ever understand. However, much like today’s current fascination with the Snuggie, it can only be surmised that the sheer pointlessness of the Pet Rock was precisely the reason people bought into it. Sadly, the kitsch factor quickly wore off when kids everywhere realized that they’re brand new pets did nothing but sit on a shelf all day.
Hey kids, you want to get into a big pit of slime and wallow around for a while? Hey adults, you want to deal with cleaning up the ridiculous mess afterward? More likely than not because the answer to both questions is a resounding, “No!”
While the idea of a pogo ball may sound good on paper, it completely crumbles apart when you attempt it in the real world. Not only was a pogo ball ridiculously difficult to bounce on, the relatively low airtime provided by the product rendered it completely boring and unexciting. It is for this reason that most pogo balls simply ended up stuck in a mud puddle in the backyard -– left to slowly deflate in the summer sun.
Anyone who has ever worked in a toy store loathes the idea of toys that sing and dance. One of the worst iterations of this obnoxious toy category is the dancing hamster. If you didn’t work in a store then it is possible that you got mild amusement out of seeing a toy hamster dressed in a ninja outfit dancing around while singing ‘Kung Fu Fighting’ ONE TIME. However, the sheer lack of replay ability means there is absolutely no reason to buy one of these monstrosities.
The Wolverine Toy Hammer is simply just a case of poor product design. While there’s nothing wrong with an inflatable toy hammer per se, the awkwardness that comes with inflating the product does much to diminish its play value.
When you think action figure, Mozart the famous composer hardly seems like a natural choice. This is especially true when you realize the only action Mr. Mozart is known for is that of playing the piano. Sorry, but I think I’ll stick to my G.I. Joes and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Why anyone would want a doll that pisses itself is beyond me. However, it appears that plenty of girls in the 1980s were all about changing the diapers of their pretend children. As a kicker to the awfulness of the product, the manufacturer eventually had to recall the dolls due to poor design (much to the horror of little girls everywhere -– the heads and limbs of their babies kept falling off).
Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia! Take a look across all life forms on earth and it’s clear that plants are just about as boring as it gets. Sadly, watching them grow from the back of a ceramic ram or Tweety Bird does little to increase their appeal with kids. Despite this fact, Chia Pets have remained on store shelves for almost 20 years now.
The Furby fad dawned just before the turn of the 21st century and I would not have been surprised at all if Y2K had caused them to rise up and murder the entire human race. Though they were supposed to be cute little robotic critters there is definitely something creepily unsettling about those big round eyes and tiny beak. Thankfully, the fad largely flat-lined a couple years after they were introduced.
Jeff Wysaski Jeff Wysaski is a freelance humor writer based out of Los Angeles. He has written for such esteemed online sites as Manolith, COED Magazine and Pleated Jeans. When not behind his laptop, Jeff can probably be found at a comedy show, eating a sandwich or practicing his latest ribbon dancing routine.